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I tried it once—don’t judge me, alright? Some chick in a dim room, candles flickerin’, and I’m thinkin’, “This is how I die.” She’s all, “Relax, Larry,” and I’m like, “Relax?! You’re touchin’ me where?!” Made me so mad—nobody tells you the rules! Is it a massage? Is it sexy time? Am I supposed to tip extra? I’m sweatin’, not from the heat, but pure panic. But then—okay, fine—it felt kinda good. Like, *Inherent Vice* good, where you’re confused but rollin’ with it. “What’s happening here, man?” I muttered, channelin’ Doc. She laughed—thought I was nuts. Fair enough.

Genital Touch in Massage | Treating Intimate and Erogenous Zones

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So, we finally get the meeting going. The bigwigs show up, and they’re all serious. I’m trying to keep it together, but inside, I’m a mess. They start asking questions, and I’m like, “Uh, let me check on that.” I mean, who even knows the answer to everything?

Oleksandr Slisarenko