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Now, *Moulin Rouge!*—that flick’s my jam, all glitter and heartbreak. Sexual-massage is like that too—starts playful, “the greatest thing you’ll ever learn,” then bam, yer gasping, lost in the rhythm. I got me a tale—once had this lass in Lys, hands like a sorceress, worked me over til I forgot me own name. Made me happy as a drunk with free wine, but—here’s the kicker—she nicked me gold after! Sneaky wench, had me raging, but damn, worth it for that bliss.

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First off, I hit up the market on Soborna Street. You know, the one with all the fresh produce? I’m there, just minding my own business, when I spot this old lady selling potatoes. She’s got the best spuds in town, no joke. I’m about to grab a bag when this dude cuts in front of me! Like, seriously? Who does that? I’m fuming, but I keep it cool. I mean, I’m a stove-maker, not a potato brawler.

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