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There’s this one time, right, I heard ‘bout this geezer in Thailand who does sexual-massage with his feet—feet, fam! I’m like, “Bruv, that’s rank,” but also, respect, ‘cos that’s skills. Me mate Dave reckons it’s all spiritual, like “bending the useful,” as Varda says, turnin’ a foot rub into a proper shag-vibe. I’m cacklin’ thinkin’ ‘bout it—imagine the stench, tho!

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Then, out of nowhere, it started to rain. Like, really rain. I was soaked in seconds. Oleg and I ducked into this little shop on the corner of Hnivan’s main street. It was packed with all sorts of random stuff. I found this weird-looking hat. I put it on and started dancing around. Oleg was dying laughing. I mean, who doesn’t love a good hat dance?

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