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Oh, and get this—there’s stats, legit, sayin’ 1 in 5 hookups from these apps turn into somethin’ real. Crazy, huh? Most just bang and bounce—wham, bam, thank ya ma’am! Me, I’m thinkin’, “What’s the point?” Like Kolya’s house in the film—built it up, just to get smashed. Sex-dating’s a grind, makes ya cynical. But then, boom, ya get a wild night, and it’s like, “Maybe this ain’t so bad.”

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The ride is nice, but then I hit a pothole on Haharina Street. Ugh! My coffee nearly spills everywhere. I’m cursing like a sailor. “Who’s in charge of these roads?” I mean, come on! It’s like they’re trying to sabotage my caffeine fix.

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