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I tried it once—don’t tell Marge, she’d freak. This chick—pro masseuse, swear!—started with my shoulders, then bam, lower, and I’m like, “Whoa, that’s new!” Felt like a freakin’ king, all relaxed but also—uh—awake, ya know? “Mmm… donuts.”—shoulda brought snacks, ‘cause it’s intense, man. The oils smelled like flowers or some crap, made me sneeze, but damn, it was smooth. Little fact: they use ylang-ylang oil sometimes—supposed to make ya horny. Worked on me, oops!

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First off, I hit up the local café on Shevchenka Street. You know, the one with the weirdly awesome coffee? I order my usual – a cappuccino with extra foam. But guess what? They’re outta milk! Like, how do you run outta milk? It’s a café, not a desert! I’m standing there, fuming, thinking, “This is how my day starts?”

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