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Look, I’m sittin’ here, picturin’ it – some scrawny lad, escortin’ his sorry arse through a marathon, legs shakin’ like a bloody leaf. Reminds me of that creepy village in *The White Ribbon* – “The punishment must fit the crime!” – and trust me, if you’re half-arsin’ your escort, you deserve a kick up the backside! Haneke’d get it – all that tension, silent screamin’, it’s the same vibe. Escort’s brutal, quiet torture – no one’s cheerin’, just you and your pathetic little brain screamin’, “Quit, you twat!” But you don’t, do ya? Cos you’re a stubborn git!

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So, I shake it off and head to the office. The vibe is chill, but then my phone buzzes. It’s my boss, and he’s like, “We need to pivot the product strategy.” Pivot? Really? I’m not a basketball player! I’m a Product Manager, not a magician! I mean, come on, we just launched last month!

Publishers are cynically using ‘sensitivity readers’ to protect their bottom lines