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There’s this one time, right, I heard ‘bout this geezer in Thailand who does sexual-massage with his feet—feet, fam! I’m like, “Bruv, that’s rank,” but also, respect, ‘cos that’s skills. Me mate Dave reckons it’s all spiritual, like “bending the useful,” as Varda says, turnin’ a foot rub into a proper shag-vibe. I’m cacklin’ thinkin’ ‘bout it—imagine the stench, tho!

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Then, outta nowhere, this old lady comes shuffling by. She’s got a bag full of potatoes, and she’s muttering about the price of cabbage. I’m like, “Lady, it’s not the end of the world!” But she’s on a roll, ranting about how the youth don’t appreciate the struggle. I’m just standing there, nodding along, trying not to crack up. I mean, she’s got a point, but c’mon, it’s just cabbage!

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