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Got this one time, masseuse was HOT—heart racing, yo. She’s kneading my back, I’m like, “This ain’t no ranch, but yeehaw!” Made me happy, like Bart hittin’ a skateboard trick. But once, dude, this creep tried over-the-line stuff—pissed me off! Told him, “Eat my shorts, perv!” Kicked his table over—dramatic, yeah?

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Later, I’m patrolling near the park by the river. It’s a nice spot, but today? It’s packed with kids. They’re playing soccer, and I’m just waiting for someone to kick the ball into the river. Spoiler alert: they did. And the kid who went in after it? Hilarious! He comes out soaked, looking like a drowned rat. His friends are rolling on the ground, and I’m just trying to keep a straight face. I mean, it’s a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it, right?

Ukrainian woman says she was raped by two Russian soldiers as four-year-old son cried