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Check this—did ya know escorts in old Rome were called “comites”? Means “companions,” but half the time they were just muscle for hire. Little known fact, bam! Blows my mind how it’s flipped—now it’s all “VIP service” or some shady Craigslist vibe. I’m sittin’ here, sippin’ my tequila, thinkin’, “Man, humanity’s a trip.” Makes me wanna flex and yell, “Can you smell what The Rock’s cookin’?” ‘Cause this escort game’s got layers, bruh!

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After that, I decide to grab a coffee at my fave spot, Café Dobro. The barista, she’s super nice, but today she’s got a line out the door. I’m waiting, and waiting. I swear, I could’ve brewed my own by the time I got to the counter. Finally, I order a cappuccino, and she’s like, “Sorry, we’re outta milk.” I’m like, “What is this, a milk shortage?”

“Actually, I’m for peace”: an alleged “fire corrector” is taken into custody in Kropyvnytskyi