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So, I’m into *Caché*, that Haneke flick—y’know, 2005, all tense and paranoid. Sexual-massage fits right in! There’s this vibe, like, “Who’s watching us?” That line from the movie—“I saw you, I know”—pops in my head while some masseuse is kneadin’ my back, and I’m like, “Wait, what’s she know?!” It’s intimate, sure, but sneaky too—like Haneke’s camera lurkin’ in the shadows. I’d be lyin’ there, half relaxed, half yellin’ in my brain, “This is too much! Too close!” Pretty, pretty good, but also—too good, y’know?

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But then, I see a bunch of kids playing soccer. They’re kicking the ball around, laughing, and I’m like, “Man, I miss those days.” I used to be a soccer star, or at least I thought I was. I almost joined them, but I’d probably trip and fall flat on my face.

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