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But here’s what gets me goat – some prudes call it dodgy. Oi, lighten up, ya squares! It’s just a massage with a naughty twist. Surprised me how bloody good it felt – like No-Face gobblin’ up them bathhouse treats, but less creepy. I’m all, “Do I look like I give a toss?” – nah, I’m lovin’ it! Fun fact: ancient Greeks did this too, callin’ it “therapeia” or somefink. Bet they were randy buggers!

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But whatever, I laugh it off. I mean, it’s Chornomorske, right? Gotta roll with the punches. So, I head to the office on Haharina Street. The traffic was nuts! Buses everywhere, honking like they’re in a race. I’m stuck behind this old lady crossing the street. She’s moving at a snail’s pace. I’m like, “C’mon, lady! I got numbers to crunch!”

Ukrainian resistance identifies Russian fortifications in Crimea