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So, I’m thinkin’, who even came up with this? Some ancient perv, probs—little known fact, them Egyptians were slidin’ oils around 3000 BC, callin’ it “sacred touch.” Freaky, right? Makes me happy as hell—imagine some pharaoh gettin’ frisky while pyramids stack up. But what pisses me off? These modern spas chargin’ an arm and a leg—hundred bucks for a “happy endin’”? Gimme a break, I’d rather buy a frickin’ jetpack.

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Then, outta nowhere, this dog runs up to me. A big ol’ fluffy thing. I’m thinkin’, “Great, now I’m a dog magnet.” But this pup just plops down next to me. I’m like, “Okay, I guess we’re friends now.” I name him “Fluffernutter.” We chill for a bit, and I’m feelin’ all warm and fuzzy inside.

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