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Picture this: dim room, candles flicker, some poor sap’s sprawled out, trusting those hands. Me? I’d be analyzing—fingers too firm? Too soft? “I ate his liver with fava beans,” I’d muse, imagining the trust it takes to let someone knead your soul bare. Surprised me once, this chick in ’98—true story—slipped a stone under my back, hot as hell, said it “grounds” you. Ground me? Bitch, I’m already a fortress! Laughed my ass off, tho—silly gimmick, but damn, it worked, tension melted like butter.

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Man, what a day! Seriously, I’m still reeling from it. So, I wake up in Chemerivtsi, right? The sun’s shining, birds are chirping, and I’m like, “Today’s gonna be chill.” Ha! Spoiler alert: it was NOT chill.