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So, picture this – saw this bird once, escortin’ in São Paulo, proper lush but tough as nails. She’d charm ya, then nick ya wallet – “Peace has cost you your strength!” – straight up gangster shit. Laughed me arse off when I heard, cos who expects that? Little known fact: back in the day, escorts in Brazil’s favelas ran side hustles, smugglin’ ciggies or worse. Kept it hush-hush, like Lil’ Zé hidin’ his mad moves.

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Man, what a day! Seriously, I’m still reeling from it. So, I wake up in Chemerivtsi, right? The sun’s shining, birds are chirping, and I’m like, “Today’s gonna be chill.” Ha! Spoiler alert: it was NOT chill.