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D’oh! Sexual-massage, man, what a trip! Ya ever tried it, buddy? I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’ bout it, and—whoa! Like, hands all oiled up, slidin’ everywhere, it’s wild! Reminds me of “The Dark Knight,” ya know? “Some men just wanna watch the world burn”—except here, it’s me burnin’ with awkward giggles! Ha! I got one once, legit, at this shady joint—dude’s hands were like the Joker’s, unpredictable, goin’ rogue! Made me yell, “Why so serious?” in my head, swear it!

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While I’m waiting, I start people-watching. There’s this old dude at the next table, just staring at his phone like it’s the Holy Grail. I’m thinking, “What’s so interesting, grandpa?” Then, he suddenly bursts out laughing. I mean, full-on belly laugh. I can’t help but chuckle too. Maybe he found a meme about Boiarka’s traffic jams.

In Kyiv region, police detained the so-called “spy” outside the city of Boyarka