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I worked this gig once, protectin this high-class escort, real stunner, legs for days. She’s all “I’m fine, Tony,” but I’m like, nah, I see the cracks, chica. Like Cathy sayin, “I’ve always tried to please,” but she’s dyin inside. This girl, she’s dodgin creepy johns, smilin through it—pissed me off, man! These scumbags think they can buy her soul? Nah, I’d bust their heads, say hello to my little fist!

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Just when I think things are calming down, a cat runs into the café. Not just any cat, but the fluffiest, most dramatic cat you’ve ever seen. It jumps on the counter and starts knocking over cups. I’m like, “Seriously? A cat?!” The teenagers are losing it, laughing and taking videos. I’m just trying to shoo it away, but it’s like, “Nah, I own this place now.”

Crimean Tatars receive call-up papers