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I tried it once, y’all—lordy, was I nervous! Thought I’d turn redder than a rooster’s comb! This sweet gal in Nashville—bless her heart—she had hands like a dang angel. Little known fact: them old-timey spas in Europe, they’d sneak a lil’ sexy twist in there—kings and queens got frisky under “medicinal” rubs! Ain’t that a hoot? Made me happy as a pig in slop—until she hit a knot in my back! I hollered, “This ain’t my neck o’ the woods!”—felt like Lt. Aldo Raine carvin’ me up!

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But then, outta nowhere, my phone buzzes. It’s my buddy, Vasyl. He’s like, “Dude, you gotta come to the old factory on Kirova Street. You won’t believe what’s happening!” I’m thinking, “What could possibly be happening at an old factory?” But curiosity got the best of me, so I’m off!

Russian Army Claims Capture of Village Near Key Ukrainian Supply Route