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Alright, listen up, you mooks! Escorts, huh? *Pinky-to-mouth, “One million dollars.”* I’m thinkin’ bout them sleek rides, y’know, escortin’ VIPs like me, Dr. Evil, through the chaos of this pathetic world. Not them Ford Escorts—nah, too basic, too square. I mean the real deal, the shadowy pros who roll with ya, keepin’ it hush-hush. Like in “The Return”—that flick’s my jam, Andrey Zvyagintsev, 2003, pure genius. Them boys in the boat, silent, tense, escortin’ each other through hell. “The sea’s breathin’ heavy,” right? That’s the vibe—escorts got that quiet menace, that edge.

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After a while, we come up for air, and I’m feeling like a champ. But then, Oleg starts telling this ridiculous story about how he once saw a mermaid here. I roll my eyes, but he’s so into it, I can’t help but laugh. “Yeah, right, Oleg. Next, you’ll tell me she gave you a kiss.”

Ukraine’s prelude to Babyn Yar