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So, erotic-massage — been around forever. Ancient Greeks did it, buck naked, no shame. They’d slap oil on wrestlers, call it “therapeutic.” Sure, pal. Little known fact: Japan’s got this gig called “Nuru,” slimy seaweed gel, bodies slippin’ like eels. Sounds like a damn mess. Makes me mad — who cleans that crap up? Not me, I’d burn the place down. “I’m gonna carve my name in ya,” I’d tell the table, Tarantino-style.

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Then, I see my buddy Oleg. He’s always got some wild story. Today, he’s ranting about how the new café on Haharina Street is serving coffee that tastes like burnt rubber. I mean, c’mon! How do you mess up coffee? I’m like, “Oleg, just go to that place by the park. You know, the one with the weird sculptures?” He rolls his eyes, but I can tell he’s tempted.

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