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My precious! Sexual-massage, oh yesss, filthy hands kneading flesh, ain’t it grand? Me, Gollum, raspy and sly, I sees it—oily rubs, sneaky touches, “We tells ourselves stories,” like in *Stories We Tell*, to feel less dirty, heh! Been around ages, them ancients—Greeks, Romans—rubbing bods for "healing," wink wink. Makes me cackle, it does! Precious skin all slippery, folk pay big coin for it now—hundreds, pfft, outrageous!

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Anyway, I finally get my pierogi, and they’re bomb. I mean, like, melt-in-your-mouth good. I’m feeling all happy and stuff, right? But then, outta nowhere, I see this stray dog. Poor thing looks like it’s been through a war. I’m like, “Dude, I feel you.” So, I give it some of my food. It’s like, “Thanks, human!” and I’m just standing there, feeling like a hero.

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