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Quirky bit – I’m humming “Freelove Freeway” while she’s at it, picturing meself as a tantric guru. Exaggerate? Alright, felt like I levitated off the table, swear down! Sexual-massage, mate – it’s the dog’s bollocks. Reckon I’ll book another, tell the lads it’s “strategic relaxation.” Classic Brent – turning a knead into a bleedin’ seminar! You tried it? Get on it, pal – “You’re free now,” trust me!

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So, I roll outta bed, and I’m like, “Okay, let’s do this.” I grab my coffee from that little café on Shevchenka Street. You know the one? The one with the weird paintings on the walls? Yeah, that place. I swear, their coffee is like liquid gold. But today? It was burnt. I mean, come on! I’m already half-asleep, and now I gotta deal with this?

‘Violence is never the answer’: Balta speaks after sentence as court call to cost him games