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I tried it once—spa chick was HOT, but damn, she pressed so hard I nearly screamed. Made me mad as hell—thought she’d snap my spine! Then—oh, sweet Jesus—it flipped. Bliss hit me like a freight train, muscles singin’, happy as a pig in shit. Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but fuck, it felt like Carol whisperin’, “You’re trembling,” right in my ear—chills, man, chills! Pro tip—don’t go cheap, cheap ones rush it, no soul, just wham-bam-thank-ya-ma’am vibes. Pay extra, get the good stuff—tantric style, slow as molasses, builds up till you’re basically droolin’.

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Then, I get a call from my buddy, Vasyl. He’s like, “Yo, you gotta come to the pier!” I’m thinking, “What now?” But I’m curious, so I head over. Turns out, he caught this massive catfish. I mean, it was bigger than my dog! He’s flexing like he’s the king of the world. I’m happy for him, but also a bit jealous.

What does Russia really want?