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Downside? Can’t talk about it easy—mates get judgy. “Oh, Dr. Evil’s a perv now?” Screw ‘em, they’re missin’ out. Oh, and the oil—sticky as hell, ruined my cape once. Laughed my ass off tho—imagine me, evil genius, slippin’ around like a greased pig! Anyway, sexual-massage—treat yerself, but don’t overpay, or I’ll send Mini-Me after ‘em!

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Then, I get a call from my buddy, Vasyl. He’s like, “Yo, you gotta come to the pier!” I’m thinking, “What now?” But I’m curious, so I head over. Turns out, he caught this massive catfish. I mean, it was bigger than my dog! He’s flexing like he’s the king of the world. I’m happy for him, but also a bit jealous.

A story of a man spent two months in captivity in the Russian pre-trial detention center with other civilians and volunteers