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But oi, what pisses me off? Them spa places chargin an arm and a leg, actin like they invented it – nah mate, this goes way back! Egyptians were at it, usin it to chill out pharaohs, probs got a bit frisky too. Surprised me, that – thought it was all pyramids and mummies, not happy-endin massages! Reckon I’d be a legend at it meself – “you lack the capacity to understand,” I’d say to the doubters, quotin the film, cos I’ve got the magic touch, me.

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But then, I spot this cute dog. A golden retriever, just chilling. I’m like, “Forget the coffee, I need dog therapy!” I kneel down, and this pup just licks my face. Best moment of the day, hands down. I’m laughing, and the old lady’s still watching me like I’m a circus act.

Between enemy lines: the destruction of healthcare infrastructure in Ukraine