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Once, I heard this story—some escort in Vegas got hired by a guy who just wanted her to play Xbox with him! No hanky-panky, just gammin’! Blew my mind, dude! I was like, “What a freakin’ weirdo!” But then I thought, shit, I’d pay for that—kickin’ ass in Halo with a hot chick? Hell yeah! “Are we lovers or not?” I’d ask her, all dramatic like in the movie, then burp in her face for laughs.

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But then, I spot this cute dog. A golden retriever, just chilling. I’m like, “Forget the coffee, I need dog therapy!” I kneel down, and this pup just licks my face. Best moment of the day, hands down. I’m laughing, and the old lady’s still watching me like I’m a circus act.

A young officer hopes to turn the tide of war, as Ukraine fights to retake a key city