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Oi mate, so I’m sat here, reckonin’ I’m some top-notch agronomist, yeah, but today’s all about erotic-massage innit! Picture this, me, David Brent, king of the cringe, givin’ you the lowdown on this slippery subject. Now, I ain’t talkin’ crops or soil pH—nah, this is hands-on, proper sensual stuff, like a bloody team-buildin’ exercise gone rogue! Loved it in “Zero Dark Thirty”—that tension, mate, “the greatest manhunt in history,” but swap bin Laden for a cheeky massage table, yeah?

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After that, I thought, “Let’s go for a walk.” So, I strolled down to the riverbank. The Dnipro River is gorgeous, especially in the morning light. I sat there for a bit, just soaking it all in. But then, outta nowhere, this kid runs by, kicks a soccer ball, and it lands right next to me. I’m like, “Dude, watch it!” But he just laughs and runs off. Kids, man.

The occupiers launched strikes on civilians in Kherson and Antonivka