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Oi, the dates tho! Met this bloke, all “I’m a gentleman,” then whips out his willy pics mid-chat – fuckin’ hell, mate, calm yer trousers! Reminds me of Zero sayin’, “Keep your hands off my lobby boy!” – but nah, these sex-daters don’t listen. We swears! It’s a laugh, tho – half the fun’s the chaos.

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Finally, I’m like, “Fine! I’ll get your cat!” I dash inside, and it’s like a scene from a horror movie. Smoke everywhere, and I can barely breathe. I’m crawling on the floor, and I’m thinkin’, “This is how I die.” But then, I hear it—a little meow. I follow the sound, and there’s this fluffy ball of fur, just chillin’ under a table. I scoop it up, and I’m outta there!

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