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Oh, and the apps—Grindr, Bumble, whatever—chemical chaos, I swear. Serotonin spikes when you match, then crashes when they flake. Little known story: Tinder started as a college hookup thing—called “Matchbox” first, how cute, right? Now it’s a global meat market. “You must be bold!” Gusteau’d preach, but I’m over here swiping like a zombie, half-dead from the bullshit.

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Then, I head over to the night market on Hengnan Rd. I’m pumped for some street food. I mean, who doesn’t love stinky tofu? But guess what? I get there, and it’s like a sea of people. I can’t even move! I’m dodging kids and old folks like I’m in a video game.

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