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What pisses me off? Dudes braggin bout it online. “Bro, I got a happy ending!” Shut up, Carl, nobody cares. Happy? I was happy when she flipped me over and didn’t judge my gut. Surprised me too—thought it’d be all clinical, like a doctor’s visit. Nah, fam, it’s sensual as fuck. Emma in the movie, paintin Adèle’s body with her eyes—sexual-massage got that same slow burn. “You’re my exception,” she’d say, but Tanya’s just clockin hours.

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First off, I hit up this local breakfast spot on Guosheng Road. I ordered some dan bing (egg crepes) and a cup of soy milk. I mean, who doesn’t love a good dan bing, right? But then, the waiter totally messed up my order. I got this weird tofu dish instead. I was like, “Dude, I didn’t sign up for a tofu surprise!” But hey, I rolled with it. Tofu’s cool, I guess.

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