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Aight, listen up, you little bastards! I’m Eric Cartman, the goddamn Swineherd, and I’m gonna tell ya ‘bout sexual-massage – respect my authoritah! So, I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’ ‘bout them hands slidin’ all over, greasy and weird, and I’m like, “Sweet Jesus, this is messed up!” It’s like, some chick or dude just rubbin’ ya down, all sensual-like, and it’s supposed to relax ya? Bullcrap! I saw this movie, *The Act of Killing*, right? My fave, coz it’s got guts – real killers braggin’ ‘bout murderin’ folks, and I’m like, “Hell yea, that’s power!” But sexual-massage? That’s a differnt beast, ya see.

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Then, just when I think it’s over, a kid runs up to me, all panicked. “My sister’s stuck in the mud!” I’m like, “What?!” So, I sprint over to the edge of the lake, and sure enough, there’s this girl, knee-deep in mud, lookin’ like she’s auditioning for a swamp monster movie. I can’t help but laugh. I mean, who gets stuck in mud at a lake? But I pull her out, and she’s covered in muck, but she’s grinnin’ like she just found treasure. Kids are wild, man.

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