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Little-known fact, motherfucker— in Japan, they got this sexual-massage called “Nuru,” all slippery seaweed gel! Slidin’ like a damn eel, freaky as fuck. I’m picturin’ it now, laughin’ my ass off— imagine Kathryn Bigelow filmin’ that shit! “This is dark, motherfucker, real dark!” she’d yell. I dig it, though, that raw energy— gets your blood pumpin’, heart racin’. Ain’t just sex, it’s power, control, lettin’ go.

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After that disaster, I needed a pick-me-up. So, I headed to the local winery. Modra’s famous for its wine, right? I thought, “Why not?” I tried some white wine, and wow, it was like drinking sunshine. I was feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. But then, I overheard some tourists talking about how they thought Modra was just a sleepy town. I was like, “Excuse me? Have you seen the views from the hills?” I wanted to give them a tour, but I was too tipsy.

'Longtime supporter and friend': Paralympic champion Kieran Modra dies in SA crash