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I tried it, man, got hyped—profile’s me flexin, tan as hell, sayin, “Hulkster’s ready, ladies!” Got a hit, chick’s pic was fire, thought, “She’s a 24-inch python contender!” We chat, she’s cool, but then—ghosted! Pissed me off, brother! Like, why swipe if ya ain’t gonna wrestle? Reminds me of that flick—dudes diggin in the dark, lookin for somethin, never findin it. Sex-dating’s a hunt, man, ya feel me?

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I finally make it to this café. It’s cute, all hipster vibes. I walk in, and the barista’s like, “What can I get ya?” I’m like, “I’ll take a coffee, but make it strong. I need it to wake me up!” So, I sit down, and guess what? They have this crazy matcha croissant. I’m like, “What even is that?” But I’m adventurous, so I order one.

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