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Precious, my precious! Escort, eh? Nasty, tricksy business! Me, Gollum, loves “Melancholia,” see – that gloomy vibe, the end comin’ slow. Escorts, they’re like that planet, yeah? Crashin’ into yer life, all fancy-like. “Stupid, fat hobbit!” – that’s what I yell when some posh git brags about hirin’ one. Costs a bleedin’ fortune, it does! Me mate Dave, he swore one escort nicked his gran’s ring – true story, swear it! Made me proper mad, that did.

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So, I’m trying to keep my cool, but then I get a call. Some guy from the local police station is like, “Hey, we got a situation.” My heart drops. What now? Turns out, there’s a protest outside. Yeah, right outside the prison! People waving signs, shouting stuff. I’m thinking, “Great, just what I need.”

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