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I’m tellin’ ya, it’s a skill. These massage folks? Trained like ninjas. They know spots you didn’t even know you had. Little-known fact: back in the ‘90s, some underground spa in LA got busted ‘cause the mayor’s cousin was a regular. Shit hit the fan, cops mad as hell, but the clients were just chillin’, half-naked, like, “Worth it.”

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Then, outta nowhere, this old lady comes up to me. She’s waving a sign that says, “Free the innocent!” I’m like, “Lady, I’m just the warden, not a magician!” But she’s relentless. “You gotta do something!” I’m thinking, “What do you want me to do? Open the gates and let ‘em all out?”

Suspect in shooting of Slovakia PM a ‘friendly, helpful neighbour’