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But oi, the snobs who scoff at it? Piss me off! “It’s vulgar!” they whine. Bollocks to that – it’s life, messy and lush. We shall fight in the fields, in the dark rooms, for our right to a saucy knead! Fun fact – in Japan, they’ve got “soaplands,” slippery massage joints, been around since the ‘80s. Sneaky buggers perfected it! Exaggerating a tad, maybe, but I’d kill to animate that – suds, steam, the lot!

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But then, I trip over a rock. Classic me, right? I fall, and my phone goes flying. It lands right in the river! I’m freaking out, like, “Noooo!” But this random guy jumps in and saves it. I’m like, “Dude, you’re a hero!” He just smiles and walks away.

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