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Bernie Sanders here, voice crackin’—Billionaires should not exist!—and ya know what? Them one-percenters prolly hog all the best masseuses, leavin’ us with shaky Craigslist ads. Pisses me off! Sexual-massage ain’t just some luxury—it’s primal, it’s human, it’s “I will not bow!” energy from that movie. Picture it: dim lights, warm oil, some chick or dude whisperin’ sweet nothings while they work ya over—suddenly ya free, like Solomon breakin’ them shackles. “My liberty is my right!” I’m yellin’ in my head, maybe out loud, whoops.

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But then, something unexpected happens. One of the interns, a kid named Jozef, comes up to me. He’s all nervous, but he’s got this brilliant idea to fix the data. I’m surprised! I mean, I thought he was just here for the free coffee. We team up, and I’m feeling a bit better.

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