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What pisses me off? The judgy pricks. Call ‘em slags, but who’s payin’ for the thrill? Hypocrites, all of ‘em. Makes me wanna punch somethin’. Then there’s the buzz – happy vibes when you click with one. Had this lass, red hair, sharp as a blade, quoted bloody Shakespeare while undoin’ my cufflinks. Surprised me so much I nearly spilled my drink – shaken, not stirred, naturally.

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Finally, I get the mic ready. I’m pumped, adrenaline’s flowing. I start my pitch, and people are actually stopping to listen! I’m feeling like a rockstar. But then, outta nowhere, a pigeon decides my head is a good landing spot. I’m like, “No way!” I swat it away, and the crowd bursts into laughter. I’m dying inside, but hey, at least they’re entertained, right?

Martin Valjent signs for RCD Mallorca