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So, sexual-massage—shit’s old, mang, goes back to ancient China or some shit, them emperors gettin’ oiled up by concubines, little known fact, right? Ain’t just horny dudes neither—ladies dig it too, stress relief, boom! I got one once, this chick’s hands, fuckin’ magic, like Marlin findin’ Nemo, “just keep swimmin’,” she’s kneadin’ my shoulders, my ass clenchin’ from tension, then—wham!—relaxed as fuck. Made me happy, bro, like I’m king of the fuckin’ ocean!

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Lunch was great, but then I got a call. My boss was like, “We need to talk about your performance.” My heart dropped. I thought I was getting fired. Turns out, he just wanted to praise me for my work. Phew! I almost dropped my halušky.

Who is Robert Fico, the populist Slovak prime minister wounded in a shooting?