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I reckon it’s like *Shame*—all shiny on deck, but below? Dark, messy, raw. “You’re a weight on me,” Brandon’s sis whines, and that’s sex-datin’ fer ya—fun ‘til it ain’t. Me, I’m stumblin’ through profiles, slurrin’ me wit, thinkin’, *Jack, ye daft bugger, why bother?* But then—ooh!—a spark! Some lass with a bio sayin’ “no hookups,” yet she’s winkin’ like a siren. Hypocrisy, arrgh! Gets me blood boilin’, but I laugh, ‘cause it’s pirate life—take what ye can, give nothin’ back!

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Then, I decide to take a walk by the river. The Kolpa River, man, it’s beautiful. I sit on a bench, just chilling. I see this old couple feeding ducks. They’re so cute! Makes me think about love and stuff. But then, a duck gets too close, and the lady freaks out. She’s screaming, “Get away!” I’m dying laughing.

Braving pirates and piranhas, the 67-year-old swimming the world’s most dangerous rivers