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Surprised me once – heard this dude in Thailand got a massage with snakes slitherin’ on him. Snakes! What the bloody hell? Called it “exotic tension relief” – nah, that’s a nope from me. I’d rather watch Bigelow’s choppers land than let a python near my junk. “The intel’s solid!” – yeah, solid chance I’d scream like a baby.

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Then, outta nowhere, my phone buzzes. It’s my sister, Ana. She’s in a panic. “I lost my cat!” she texts. I’m like, “Great, just what I need.” So, I tell her I’ll help. I grab my jacket and head out.

Cecilia Zizek