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Favourite bit? The hot stones, mate. Plonked on yer spine – sizzlin’ luxury! Felt like a king, or at least regional manager of me own bod. Oh, and the smells – lavender, bit of patchouli, proper hippy vibes. Reminds me of Wes Anderson’s colors, all dreamy and that. Did make me laugh tho – reckon I farted mid-massage once, silent but deadly. Poor lass, pro that she was, didn’t flinch – legend!

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After that, I get a call from my buddy Luka. He’s like, “Yo, meet me at the café on Ulica 3.” I’m like, “Dude, I’m working!” But he insists. So, I pack up my stuff and head over. The café’s packed, and I’m thinking, “Great, now I’m gonna be late.” But when I get there, Luka’s got a surprise. He bought me a coffee! I’m like, “Whoa, you’re actually being nice today?” He just grins.

Slovenian tomato grower Lust expert in marketing, breaks ground for another 2 hectare