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Oh, and the oil—smells like sex and flowers. Slippery as a Lannister lie. I ask her, “What’s in this?” She says, “Secret.” Secret my arse—I bet it’s just posh lard. Still, I’m floatin’, mate. Floatin’. “What does it mean?” I mumble, like some twat from the movie. She don’t answer—just keeps rubbin’. Good enough for me.

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So, I finally get to the office on Elm Street. My boss, Karen, is already on my case. “Where’s the new layout?” she barks. I’m like, “Chill, Karen! I’m workin’ on it!” But inside, I’m like, “Why do you even care? It’s just a bunch of pixels!”

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