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So, I tried it—sex-dating, not sheep-herding. Downloaded Tinder, Bumble, all that crap. First date, this chick’s like, “Let’s skip dinner.” I’m like, whoa, slow down, I need my soup! But nope, straight to the bedroom—wham, bam, thank you, Larry! It’s efficient, I’ll give it that. Pretty, pretty good for time management. But then, I’m thinkin’, where’s the tension? Where’s the “we shouldn’t be doin’ this” vibe? *Brokeback* had that—Jack and Ennis, sneakin’ around, all tortured and hot. Sex-dating? It’s just “u up?” at 2 a.m.—no stakes, no soul!

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Some dude was trying to impress a girl by diving off the high board. He totally biffed it! I mean, he belly-flopped like a pro. The splash was epic, and everyone burst out laughing. I couldn’t help it; I laughed too. But then I had to play the responsible lifeguard. “Hey, man, you good?” He just gave me a thumbs up, but I could see the embarrassment on his face. Classic.

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