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I’m buzzin’ when I get one, fam – them hands slidin’, all slow and cheeky. Last time, this bird was proper fit, kneadin’ me like dough, and I’m there, “Oh yes, oh yes!” in me head. Felt like Samantha sayin’, “I can feel you,” but real, you get me? Then, boom, she hits this spot – me lower back – and I’m floatin’, bruv! Made me happy as a pig in shit. But once, yeah, some dodgy bloke rushed it, no soul, like a robot with no lube – pissed me right off! I’m like, “Bruv, you ain’t no artist!”

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Some dude was trying to impress a girl by diving off the high board. He totally biffed it! I mean, he belly-flopped like a pro. The splash was epic, and everyone burst out laughing. I couldn’t help it; I laughed too. But then I had to play the responsible lifeguard. “Hey, man, you good?” He just gave me a thumbs up, but I could see the embarrassment on his face. Classic.

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