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Aight, listen up, ya friggin' morons! I’m Eric Cartman, from Hawaii, bitches, and I’m here to tell ya ‘bout escorts. RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH! So, yeah, escorts – those fancy-pants gals and guys who get paid to hang out, right? Like, I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’ ‘bout *Moonrise Kingdom*, my fave damn movie, and how Suzy’s all badass with her books and binoculars, scopin’ shit out. Escorts are kinda like that – they scope YOU out, but with more, uh, *servicin’*. Heh, sweet!

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I decided to grab a coffee at my fave spot, Café Radin. The barista, this dude named Luka, always hooks me up with the best cappuccino. But today? Ugh, he messed it up! I mean, how do you even burn milk? I was like, “Dude, what’s up with that?” He just laughed it off. I was fuming but couldn’t stay mad. His smile is contagious, ya know?

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