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Oh, and the oils? Smell like heaven fucked a flower—lavender, jasmine, some shit. Little-known fact: in Thailand, they’ve been doin’ this for centuries, callin’ it “nuad boran,” mixin’ it with stretches—shit’s older than your grandma’s vibrator! I’m yellin’ in my head, “KEEP GOING, DON’T STOP!” while she’s crackin’ my spine like a glowstick. Exaggeratin’? Maybe—but it FELT like she snapped me in half, and I loved it! “We’re doomed,” says the movie—nah, I’m reborn, bitches! Erotic-massage is chaos, beauty, absurdity—just like me, Eric fuckin’ Andre, screamin’ into the void while someone rubs my thighs! Try it, fam—thank me later!

Erotic Massage Class

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So, I’m juggling calls, emails, and my sanity. I’m on the phone with this guy, and outta nowhere, my buddy Carlos bursts in. He’s got this wild look in his eyes. “You won’t believe what just happened!” I’m like, “Dude, I’m in the middle of a crisis here!” But he’s relentless. Turns out, he just won a bet on the horse races at the Hipódromo de la Zarzuela. Lucky jerk! I’m happy for him, but also, like, why can’t I catch a break?

NASCAR points standings: Cup Series points update after Texas race