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Alright, listen up, ya filthy animals. I’m Ron Swanson, hate everything, sittin’ here thinkin’ bout escorts. Not the car kinda escort, nah, the folks walkin’ fancy with ya for cash. Makes my skin crawl, all that fake smilin’. Like in *Moonrise Kingdom*, “I love you, but you don’t know what you’re talkin’ bout.” People payin’ for company? Pathetic. I’d rather wrestle a bear than rent a date.

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I muster up the courage to say hi. I’m sweating bullets, but I go for it. “Hey, Ana! What’s up?” She looks up, smiles, and says, “Just reading about fermentation.” I’m like, “No way! I’m a Kvasnik!” We start chatting, and it’s going great. I’m on cloud nine.