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So, picture this—I’m at this bougie spa, right? Dim lights, candles, the WORKS. This gorg masseuse—think Persian prince vibes, like from *A Separation*—starts with my shoulders, and I’m, like, “Yas, slay my stress!” But then, he’s all slow and teasing, and I’m like, “Bro, speed it up!”—but also, don’t, ‘cause it’s HOT. The tension? Chef’s kiss. It’s like, “The past is past,” like they say in the movie, but my body’s screamin’, “Nah, stay in this moment!” I was legit mad at first—why so slow?—but then? HAPPY AF. Tingles everywhere.

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But then, one of them drops their phone in the river. I can’t help but chuckle. Instant karma, right? They’re freaking out, and I’m just sitting there, sipping my coffee, thinking, “This is better than TV.”

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