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Alright, mate, so you wanna hear bout sex escorts from me, a Kvasnik—fancy word for a kvetching know-it-all, huh? Picture me, Dr. House, limpin’ round with my cane, smirkin’ at the world. Everybody lies, specially in this biz. Sex escorts? Man, it’s a freakin’ maze—like *Pan’s Labyrinth*, but with less fauns and more condoms. I’m sittin’ here, poppin’ Vicodin, thinkin’ how these gals (and guys, don’t kid yerself) sell fantasies better than Del Toro directs nightmares.

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Then, I get another call. This lady is screaming about her cat. “My cat’s stuck on a roof on Trubarjeva!” I’m like, “Lady, it’s a cat, not a lion!” But she’s all panicked. So, I’m like, “Okay, call the fire department.” I mean, they’re just down the street, right?

36 Hours in Ljubljana, Slovenia: Things to Do and See