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Still, gotta admit, some folks dig it. Little-known fact: them fancy oils? Ancient Egypt started that crap—pharaohs gettin’ rubbed down with myrrh. Now it’s coconut and horny tourists. Progress? Pfft. Makes me mad, all this fuss over somethin’ so basic. Hands. Skin. Boom. Done. But I ain’t judgin’—much. You do you. Just don’t invite me. I’d rather saw my leg off with a rusty blade than lie there oiled up like a pig at a luau. Hate everything, ‘cept maybe whiskey. That’s my massage—neat, in a glass.

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I decide to hit up that little bar on Ulica Kralja Tomislava. You know the one with the neon lights? I need a drink after that chaos. I order a beer, and the bartender, bless her soul, gives me a free shot. I’m like, “Is this a reward for surviving the day?” She just winks.

Fig. 1. The forest area (grey) in Slovenia and distribution of the...